Fear

Why Don’t People Ask for Help Every Now and Then?

/ jmfelicjan / Leave a comment

Now this is something that I really struggled with in my past. It became very relevant with the last job I had in late 2016. There are many reasons why one would refuse to ask for help. There are also people out there who don’t know how to ask for help. Now some would question that and think ‘how do people not know how to ask for help?’. These are things I want to discuss in this post.

This topic is something I struggled with throughout my life. If I didn’t know something instead of asking for help, I would just find a solution myself or just go on in my life without knowing the answer. So if this is you, you’re not alone. For me, this is been a long process and a lot of work of rewiring different things in my mind, eliminating lies, eliminating unrealistic expectations, and deconstructing old stigmas. There are probably a handful of people in your life who don’t always ask for help or refuses any kind of help completely.

Refusing Help

There are people out there who don’t want help. They refuse it for a number of reasons. They believe that whatever is that they’re working on that only they can do it right. No one can do a better job than they can. These kind of people prefer to do things alone. They don’t want to be bothered by other people.

One of the motivators for this kind of behavior is that these people want to take all the credit for themselves. They don’t want to share the accomplishment, achievement, or glory with anyone. Another motivator can be pride. Some people are too proud to ask for help. They sometimes will make things harder on themselves by not asking for help. You could say that they work hard and not always smart.

A big reason someone will not ask for help is because of a lack of trust. If someone doesn’t trust another person with a secret or a task they will refuse any kind of help. There are various levels of trust and bigger secrets requires a large amount of trust.

There are some students in school and college who will not ask for help on assignments, projects, quizzes, or exams. There are students who will not ask a teacher or professor for help because they think they’ll look dumb in front of them. They may think that the teacher thought they weren’t paying attention during class. There are also scenarios where someone won’t ask for help because they will feel embarrassed for asking it.

There are also some students who are afraid of being seen as a know-it-all or a teacher’s pet in front of the other students. If a teacher asks the class a question, there are some students who know the answer, but won’t raise their hand because of this fear. They’re afraid that they’ll be made it fun of or bullied for just being smart and or being smarter than they are.

People may have also have asked for help in the past, but got ridiculed or scolded for it. So now they’re afraid to ask for help with anything because of that fear. Another reason people don’t ask for help is because they are afraid that they’ll look stupid. They could be around a group of their friends or even family members and if they have a question about something they won’t ask it. They don’t want to look stupid or foolish in front of people that care about them and respect them.

Don’t Know How to Ask For Help

Now there are people out there who want help, but don’t know how to ask for it. These people may have grown up learning that asking for help is a sign of weakness. That having help with something to reach a goal is saying that ‘you couldn’t do it by yourself’. These people also may have grown up doing everything and in their life by themselves. So asking for help, even with a tiniest thing, is unfamiliar to them.

There are people out there who are so independent and take care of everything they need to do on their own that asking for help is foreign to them. Should they come across something that they can’t do by themselves and need actual help with, they may feel very lost and confused. They also may feel very uncomfortable and could start stressing themselves out over this.

Here are some ways that can help you to start asking for help when you need it:

  • Know exactly what you need help with
  • Show that you have tried something by yourself
  • Make make a list of things you need help with
  • Make a list of people who you believe can help you
  • Know that it is healthy and smart to ask for help
  • Be aware of how good it feels when your getting help
  • Speak up
  • Ask for help in a positive way
  • Don’t be self-deprecating
  • Be persistent
  • Don’t worry what others will think of you

Discussion

Asking for help with various things is a part of our life. We’re all on different journeys and sometimes we need help getting to where we want to be. Were not a lesser person for asking for help. We do have people in our lives who are willing to help us if we ask them. In my experience, I have heard people saying that if you ever need to talk just shoot me a text or an email. This means that the person has opened the door for you and all you have to do is walk in. If you ask for their help and for some odd reason they turn you down, it can be hurtful but you’re not at fault. This just shows set the person’s morals and values aren’t that good. You probably wouldn’t trust them with anything or be very hesitant to ask them for help again.

Wrap Up

Sometimes asking for help can be scary because you don’t know what the other person is going to say. They may refuse to help you or they don’t know how to help you. You can ask for help and still be independent and build character. There are things in life you want to work smart at and not hard at. There is no shame and ask for help at all. You don’t have to learn everything in life on your own. Learning to ask for someone else’s help can help build your self-esteem and confidence. You see that there are kind and helpful people in our world. If you need help, you need help. There is nothing wrong with that. Real family and true friends will offer to help you when you need it. At some point in your life, the tables will turn. Someone will ask you for your help with something and when that time comes, will you help them? Take care of yourselves and remember you’re not alone and you have worth in this world.

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5 Things You May Not Know About Obsessive Ruminating

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So have you ever thought about something over and over? Something didn’t go the way you wanted and your thinking about all the things that went wrong. You think about various scenarios and different factors for an extensive period of time, but you aren’t coming up with any solutions. You may feel very stressed out and exhausted at this point. Well what you did was a lot of ruminating.

I’ll tell you now that I have done this numerous times myself. I guarantee you that you that pretty much every person out there has done at some point in their lives. Your definitely not alone in this.

Why Do We Ruminate About Things Especially the Negative Ones

We’ve all heard of ‘critical thinking’ at some point. It’s what we do when we’re trying to figure something tough out, coming up with something new and creative, and thinking outside the box. Critical thinking requires some deep thought and brainstorming. In doing so though, we can get caught up in the process to where we’re stressing ourselves out and not getting solutions.

Obsessive, on-going, ruminating can be bad for our mental health. According to Wehrenberg (2016), “Rumination is one of the similarities between anxiety and depression. Ruminating is simply repetitively going over a thought or a problem without completion. When people are depressed, the themes of rumination are typically about being inadequate or worthless” (para, 1). When our self-worth is down, the feeling of being inadequate and inferior will raise our anxiety and can bring about depression. Our brain can replay different scenarios where other things in our life went wrong or didn’t work out. We can have trouble coming up with simple solutions to simple problems. The easy things can become hard. This kind of thinking can be a downward spiral that can also affect our energy level and possibly cause fatigue and weakness in our muscles.

The Toll You Take

Obsessive ruminating can take a toll on our mental and emotional health, however it can even take a toll on our physical health.

One thing this can do to us is cause our stress levels to go out of whack. Our cortisol levels go up which then results in our anxiety going up which can lead to muscle weakness, possible weight gain, possible skin changes like bruises, increased thirst, frequent urination, osteoporosis, a flushed look on your face, and mood swings. For those of you who don’t know, the society of endocrinology (2019) states that “Cortisol is a steroid hormone that regulates a wide range of vital processes throughout the body, including metabolism and the immune response. It also has a very important role in helping the body respond to stress” (para, 1).

The second thing obsessive ruminating can do is cause us a negative state of mind. Our stress vision goes out of control and we can easily succumb to becoming depressed and unhappy. We can become pessimistic about people’s actions and words, loose hope on different things in life, and be rude to our friends and family.

A third thing that can happen is that we start to be less proactive in our daily lives. We start to put off things till the next day and before we know it, we have put those things off for 4 days. It can reach the point where we are not eating or getting enough sleep.

A fourth thing goes back to my post on self-sabotage. Obsessive ruminating can lead to developing negative coping behaviors like stress eating. This can lead to more unwanted stress and a downward spiral of negativity.

A fifth thing is that hypertension (high blood pressure) is connected to obsessive ruminating. Elizabeth Scott (2019), mentions that “Rumination may prolong the stress response, which increases the negative impact of stress on the heart” (para, 17). You can feel yourself getting worked up when you have the same constant thoughts run through your mind over and over and your not getting any solutions or the solutions you think you should get.

Here are some ways you can stop obsessive ruminating thoughts:

  1. Distract yourself by doing something you enjoy or examining an object like how that lamp in your living room was built or how they designed that colorful pattern on your shirt. Anything to take your attention away from your thoughts.
  2. Practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing, listening to music, yoga, and meditation for example.
  3. Socialize with people. Talking to people will make you listen and pay attention to them and get you out of your head. Ask them questions and talk about things you enjoy, that they enjoy, and what you both enjoy.
  4. Identify what thoughts and or fears cause you to ruminate. Is it a person, word, phrase, behavior, place, something that happened in your past, worried about something happening in the future? Whatever it is, identifying these things can help you to avoid ruminating about them. In time and with practice, you can develop a better handle on controlling your thoughts so that you don’t obsessively ruminate about them.
  5. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Knowing what you are capable of handling can help you to stop obsessively ruminating. Should the worst case scenario happen, you know whether or not you can handle it and most of the time it’s not life or death or the end of the world.
  6. View those mistakes you made as learning experiences. Mistakes aren’t always permanent. As I mentioned in a previous post about mistakes, you can learn what went wrong so that in the future you don’t repeat them. ‘What’s done is done’ and ‘What’s gone is gone’ are phrases you may have heard at some point in your life. You gotta keep moving forward.
  7. Exercising is a great way to focus on your work out and get your mind off your thoughts.
  8. Get more in touch with your five senses. What are you hearing? What are you seeing? What are you smelling? What are you touching? What are tasting (if you have food in your mouth or are drinking something)? Putting more focus and attention toward your five senses can get you out of your mind and focus more on the present instead of the past and future.
  9. Seeking therapy is another way to help you to stop ruminating if you are really struggling to do it on your own. There is no shame in seeking professional help.

Wrap Up

Though ruminating is associated with depression and not good, under the right certain conditions, it can be helpful. In this case, you can call it critical or deep thinking.  You’re able to think and talk about your feelings and emotions in more depth which gets them off your chest and they’re no longer bottled up. Now keep in mind this doesn’t work for everyone. Whatever your thinking style is, it’s up to you to figure out. Once you know that, you can get better at not ruminating on your thoughts and or fears. If your able to think deeply and come up with solutions to things and not ruminate, that’s good. If thinking deeply is causing you to stress, get worked up, or drain your energy where you feel tired and fatigue, your probably ruminating. Now you can go back and think of fond and happy memories, but keep moving forward. Try not looking back on the bad ones. This is where obsessive ruminating can take place and become unhealthy especially if you’re spending a lot of time thinking back on those negative things. I’ll leave you with this quote. Until next time.

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Reference

Scott, E. (2019). “Rumination: Why Do People Obsess Over Things?”. Retrieved from                     https://www.verywellmind.com/rumination-why-do-people-obsess-over-things-                   3144571

The Society of Endocrinology. (2019). “You and Your Hormones”. Retrieved from                           https://www.yourhormones.info/hormones/cortisol/

Wehrenberg, M. (2016). “Rumination: A Problem in Anxiety and Depression Springboard           out of negative networks into new solutions”. Retrieved from                                                     https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/depression-management-                                       techniques/201604/rumination-problem-in-anxiety-and-depression

Want to Learn How to be Brave? Empower Yourself

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Surround yourself with people who empower you to become better

I’m back, hope everyone is doing all right during this pandemic. I know some states are slowly reopening businesses. I also know some states got their stay-at-home orders extended. Just hang in there; we will all get through this and my hope is that we will all learn something that will help us all be a better person having gone through this.

Anyway, have you had trouble trying to summon the courage to do or say something to someone? Have you felt powerless against overwhelming odds? Have you felt weak mentally? Did unwanted anxiety and unnecessary stress bring you down? If you said yes to any of these questions, read further. At some point in our lives, we get knocked down and we feel weak, hey maybe even powerless. There are some things or people we encounter that scare us or make us feel intimidated. Don’t let those things stop you in your tracks. Your not alone, I, my friends, family, and so many others have felt this way.

Feeling Scared

Fear is another emotion that we have all felt at some point in our lives. We felt it when we wanted to ask our crush out on a date. We felt it when we had to give a presentation in front of class or our co-workers. Hey we even felt it when proposed to the love of our life. There are so many things that could happen where we experience fear. It can hinder our growth to where we get stuck in a rut. It can make us miss opportunities that could enrich our lives.

Feeling Powerless

Fear is one thing, feeling powerless is different. I’m sure at one point you felt weak and a list of things you had to do for the day or week just seem overwhelming and impossible to do. Been there done that myself. Some of us are running off of very little energy and running on fumes. There are people out there who make us feel powerless to stand up to. We don’t have the motivation to do anything, even things that we enjoy.

With all that said, if you are struggling to deal with your fears and empower yourself, here are some ways you can start to make changes in your life where you feel empowered and braver:

Positive Self-Talk

Negative self-talk is one of the things that makes us feel fatigue and scared about various things in our life. It saps away our energy. So instead of saying ‘I can’t do this, I will fail’, try saying ‘I have the ability to do this and I will succeed’. Words of encouragement can help to change your mood as well as your mindset. This can take some time before it can become a habit. Be patient with yourself and keep trying. Positive affirmations goes a long way in helping you to feel better. If you have to repeat them on a daily basis then so be it; if it’s helping you, keep doing that.

Controlled Fear

At one point, we get the idea in our head that if we eliminate our fear we will be brave. Actually courage comes from not the absence of fear, but fear controlled. Being able to take action in the presence of fear is what counts. The fear isn’t gone it’s still there, but your not allowing it to dictate your actions or words. Your keeping it in check. Your taking control of your life.

Have Hope

If you’re going into something and you’re afraid it won’t work out, don’t give up hope. If your struggling, believe that something good is going to happen. Most things you want in life will require effort and motivation. You’ll have to work for it and fight for it, but don’t loss hope. The tiniest bit of hope can shine through and come to be. I speak from experience.

Build Up Self-Appreciation

You have to appreciate who you are because there is only one of you in this world. Appreciate your flaws, your goofiness, being able to see the best in everyone, trying to understand other people’s viewpoints, your ability to make the best out of any situation, etc. Once you start appreciating who you are, you then begin to feel a sense of power that helps you to do things you didn’t think you could do or things that were once hard are now easy to you.

Here is short video that talks about empowering yourself with motivation and inspiration. When it comes to empowering oneself, I always found that using ‘I’ statements to be really helpful. This video shows what I call positive ‘I’ statements.

Wrap Up

I’ve mentioned it before, you’re not perfect and that’s fine. No one is perfect. Be kind to others as well as yourself. A good posture also helps build confidence. A firm handshake, letting go of unnecessary baggage, a great support system of friends and family all help you feel more empowered. Like I said, the fear is always going to be there but the more empowered you feel, the more you’re able to keep the fear in check and rise above it. Don’t be afraid to say no to things if you believe they’re going to take away your inner peace. Speak with a conviction; it shows confidence and how sure you are of yourself. Next time you are faced with something that is scaring you, think about your history with past fears. You got over them and were they as scary as you thought they were?

Change = Growth…True

/ jmfelicjan

Have you ever gotten so comfortable with something that you didn’t want to it to change, but it did? Have you developed a routine that you got so used to that you did it every day, every other day, then all of sudden something happened and you had to change the way you operate and move things around? Well your not the only one as I myself have had to deal with this dozens of times in my life.

We all experience some kind of change in our life at some point. The change can be very exciting because something new can happen, but change can be scary and difficult because something new can happen. Any kind of change can be described as an upset in your life that can shake your world up, a new beginning, and an opportunity for growth. When we hear the word ‘change’ or the phrase ‘there are going to be some changes around here’ are attention is quickly drawn to whoever said it and our adrenaline peaks up. One of the first things that goes through our minds is that this change is going to be something bad and/or unsettling. Down the road reality can kick in and we find out that things didn’t turn out as bad as we thought or they weren’t bad at all. Sometimes change can be scary, but only if you see it that way.

Change can be an opportunity for growth. As we get older, we need to be able to expand our horizon of interests, skills, and add to preexisting things in our life. It can be easy to get stuck in a rut or routine just out of sheer habit or because you went into survival mode due to something bad that happened to you. The longer your in that rut or routine, any kind of change that happens to you will be bigger and more alarming compared to being in a rut or routine for a short time. Recently, I have been experiencing new things which have helped me grow more as a person. Experiencing new things, meeting new people, and going to new places are opportunities for growth.

In order for people to grow into healthy and functional people, we have to embrace change. Embracing change can help us in several ways. For example:

  • Our confidence builds up
  • Our self-esteem increases
  • Were more open to what people say
  • Were open to try new things in our lives
  • We learn to control our fear (Courage is fear controlled)
  • Expand our knowledge and creativity
  • We become more mature
  • We understand ourselves better

The more we embrace change and see it as an opportunity to grow and learn new things, the easier it becomes to deal with and it’s not as scary. There are people who thrive with change. They want to challenge themselves over and over. Now I’m not saying go full throttle, you have to go at your own pace. Some extroverts (people who are out-going) go full throttle because that’s who they are. Some introverts (people who are more reserved) take things slow. It’s important to stay true to who you are because that is what makes you unique.

Here are some ways you can better embrace change and see it as growth and understand the concept of it:

1. Learn and Experience Something New

To elaborate more on this idea, change can be scary, but look past the fear and see change as to better yourself. As you learn something new or experience something new you may get clarity on something you have been trying to figure out. You can connect with someone better because you both shared the same experience.

2. Look Past the Fear

Change has a way of setting off our alarm that something we may not be able to control is going to happen whether we caused it or not. We get scared and sometimes avoid the change entirely. Well we can’t always do that. Change can be scary if we see it that way. Positive self-talk can be helpful because it helps us to see what we can benefit from the change, ignore the fear, and gain the confidence to move forward. We break it down and see it for what it really is. Again, we need to look past the fear and see the benefits and opportunities for growth.

3. Change Happens at Different Times for Everyone

Change can be right in front of you, but maybe not for those around you. If there is some kind of change that is happening to you, but not your friends, family, co-workers, or those around you, don’t ignore it. Change happens at different times for everyone. You may go through a change now, but one day your friends or family members will go through a change and you won’t. Just be supportive toward them as you would want the same thing yourself.

4. Change can Lead to Openness

Change can lead to growth, but it can also lead to being more open to new things. As you grow, you expand your interests which can lead to embracing new opportunities and learning new things to expand your knowledge. You can become more open to hearing other people’s ideas and opinions. You get to see other peoples perspectives which does lead to connecting with someone and improving existing relationships.

5. Change can Increase Creativity and Curiosity

When you open up to change, your curiosity goes up. You begin to want to learn why things are the way they are? You may get curious about someone’s life story or the origins of something. This can lead to your creativity increasing because you’re open to new ideas which can spark ideas of your own.

Here is a video about change is growth from Nik Miller who is a veteran who served in the Marines and became a US Para-canoe representative. Here he talks about how he viewed change as a way to grow and to challenge himself.

Change is inevitable, but growth is optional. I believe change is the bridge that can lead to growth; it’s up to you if you cross that bridge or not.

Controlling The Things We Can’t Control…Nope

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We have had times where we want to control everything in our life. We want to control our finances, the amount of schoolwork we get, how we want to spend every minute of our time, what we want to happen to us everyday, events in our life, and even the people in our lives, etc. Anything we think we can control, we can have a tendency to want to have complete control over it. It sounds nice to have all the things in our life under our full control so that we don’t have to worry about anything right? Well unfortunately that isn’t how life works.

We have heard of someone being a control freak, hey we may have been called that by someone at some point in our life. Trying to plan out exactly how a day, week, event, should play out minute by minute, hour by hour, isn’t realistic. Yes it’s good to plan things out so that there is structure, but life can step in and can throw curve balls in our direction which can throw things off and catch us off guard.

The unknown factor as I mentioned in a previous post can throw a wrench in our plans. The things we can’t ever plan for can happen at the wrong place and wrong time and we can’t do anything about them. Breaking up with someone, getting stuck in traffic, getting an extra homework assignment, going to the store and the thing you want is out of stock, your plans get cancelled by bad weather, your car breaks down, the bus runs late, getting fired from your job, something breaks, are only a small handful of things that happen in our lives and we can’t control when they happen.

Trying to control everything in our lives can take a huge toll on us. We can become bitter if the slightest thing is off in terms of time and how we wanted things to play out. We can push people away, demean and criticize our friends, family, and the people around us who we don’t know. Things don’t always go the way we plan which isn’t always our fault; life happens. The unknown factor comes in whenever it wants. It needs no permission from anyone and it can happen at anytime.

People can’t be controlled even though there are those who try to. People who dictate when, where, and who one should hangout with can result in an argument or worse. People have free will, they are free to say and do what they want. You will be met with resistance if you try to control everything about the other person. Feelings can be hurt, couples can break up and trust and reliability can be lost between parents, family, and friends. However, parents have to have some kind of control over their children. They have to learn good morals and values so that they can grow up and function in a healthy way. Teachers are another example; they have to keep their students in line so things don’t get out of hand.

So here are some tips to help relinquish the need to control everything and relax:

1. Learn to Trust Others

There will be things that you can’t control and they may be put another person’s hands. You have to rely on that person to follow through with whatever it is. It could be a school project, a presentation for your job, delivering something, driving you somewhere for example. Gaining trust is a process, hopefully the person you put your trust into is reliable. In the end, when you can put your trust in someone, you feel a sense of relief which helps to decrease the need to control everything. Like trust, this is a process that takes time.

2. Self-Talk

At some point in our lives we have talked to ourselves about various things in our lives. We talk ourselves into doing and trying something and not doing and trying something. By stopping and interrupting our thought process, we can better analyze and understand the way we act and what we say. After getting to this point, we can begin to figure out why we feel the need to control this situation. We can begin to talk ourselves out of feeling the need to be in control. We can then realize if the benefits for controlling the situation or whatever it is will be good for us or not. The idea is trying to see if the benefits will outweigh the consequences.

3. Challenge Your Need to Control

You may feel like if I don’t control everything in my life, things will be stressful and bad things will happen to me. Ok, if you think that this is the case, then challenge your need to control. Say you need to have something fixed, but you don’t trust anyone to help you or to do it for you. Yet, you don’t know what to do. Yes you could look up on the internet or read a book for information, but what if you can’t find the information you need? Well then you have two choices, try to fix it anyway and risk things not working out or getting worse or ask for help. Challenging yourself with scenarios that you can’t control because they are our of your hands can help you realize what you can and can’t do. It’s all a matter of being realistic and decreasing the need to control things.

4. Stay in the Present and Ground Yourself

Trying to control everything can cause us to develop tunnel vision and focus too much on the future. Thinking ahead is fine, so long as we don’t get carried away. Relax and enjoy life, no need to rush it. Take some deep breaths, look up at the sky, talk to someone, work with your wands, exercise, play a game, anything that will help you stay in the present and get you out of your mind. Practicing this takes time and can be a stress reliever.

5. Get Rid of the Fear

One thing about the need to control everything is that the core of it can be rooted in fear. As I said before, people feel the need to control everything because they are afraid bad things will happen if they don’t. That fear may not be real fear; it could be something made up from high levels of anxiety. However, if the fear is real, then you have to go back and figure out how that fear came to be. Once you figure that out, you will be more equipped to tackle that fear. Overtime that fear can go away when you realize that things weren’t as bad as you thought or they never got bad at all.

If your reading this and are someone who is religious or spiritual, you could give God or the universe your need to control everything. If your not, hopefully what I have mentioned can help you get rid of your inner control freak. Breathe, relax, let go, and live in the moment.